All topics, all emotions.
Heavenly Father
I search for your love.
And sometimes I find it.
That’s a gift from the Lord.
I’ll rely on my Heavenly Father.
My true, faithful, loving Father.
To give me what my heart has yearned for all my days.
And he does.
Like a habit
Someday I’ll wake up.
And he’ll be there like a habit.
His shoes by the door.
And his shirt on the floor.
We exist together under one roof.
I pray our hearts beat to protect and serve one another.
May we live the way Jesus intended.
Not what my eyes have seen but what my heart wants to know.
Trees of the Forrest
I’ll just stand here looking out this window.
Wondering if the trees are content.
Stuck there in the dirt day after day.
Do they get cold or are they warmed by the beauty of their home.
Their home; the dirt; the forrest; the earth.
They sway and stand tall.
Maybe they’re looking for the sun.
Or hoping a family of birds will settle in their branches. And call it their home.
How lucky would I be
How lucky would I be
How lucky would I be to grow old and have aching feet. A testament to all the beautiful places they’ve carried me.
To have wrinkles. To show all of the sunshine that I’ve felt, the joy I’ve experienced, the smiles and laughs permanently etched into my face.
To have scars. Proof that I am resilient to all life had to throw at me.
How lucky would I be.
Our bodies grow old and show evidence of life! Why has our world turned into one that looks to cover and hide it all?
How lucky would I be.
Little hands, Big love
When I think of the little lives ended, immediately my eyes are filled with tears, a lump is in my throat, and my stomach feels sick. It’s maybe because all I want to be is a mother. I think I was made to be a mother. So I can’t imagine why people would be so quick to take away their opportunity to be a mother too. The embarrassed “took a trip to planned parenthood today” through laughter sounds evil to me. The confident “it’s a clump of cells!” feels like projection of hate or hurt. The “I just wasn’t ready” sounds like a learned lie from the world. I have found grace for them because I know it’s hard. Yet at the same time, I feel deep sadness for them. The gift they are missing. Little hands, little feet, little laughs, big love. I should pray everyday that I will someday have little people that run to me calling me mommy. Then the Lord will know it’s the deepest desire of my heart.
Homesick
I’m homesick for a home I’ve never entered. I long for a home that only exists in my head. One where I am completely safe and you’re there too. It’s sunny and warm. The only noises are laughter and playful banter. No slamming doors, no yelling, no deafeningly quiet tension at meals. You’re there and we love that we exist to serve one another. When I was a kid I felt at home in the house where my siblings all were and my parents still under one roof. I would feel weightless on the drive home from church. Knowing what was coming next. Certainty of the day. Routines and expectations. Then that all fell away. Soon we’d be under different roofs. Scattered across town. Different schedules and no certainty of what each day would hold. I haven’t felt that weightless feeling in so long. Years. Years of not feeling at home even in my house. So I dream of the day that feeling returns. My home will be us together, embraced in the warmth and peace of the home we’ve created. I know God can do it even though I doubt. Will there ever be a man who will understand me and my mystery? I’m not sure he exists but just somewhere in history. Jesus, the truest gentleman. The only one who’s proved faithful so far. I’ll hold out for him, I won’t break my own heart.
Feeling deeply
I feel everything deeply. I’m deeply anxious and I’m deeply in love with everything and everyone around me. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have as sensitive of a heart as I do. Othertimes I think it’s a gift. I just adore the world Gods put before me. I get sad about missing things that are still right in front of me. I try to find space to enjoy things while I have them. Then appreciate the love I got from those things and carry that into the grief of their absence. “Love isn’t a color but things I love stain my heart forever” and are eternally a part of me. People, plants, pets, music, and the earth, sun, and sky make up my entire existence. I love it all with all of me. Maybe feeling deeply is a good thing.
Just words to you
Nobody will ever understand the complexity of my inner feelings. The depth of them is indescribable. If I ever try to explain them, to others it’s just words. The fullness and intensity of how I experience things to others will always just be words. Maybe that’s why I’ve hardly feel understood fully because when I try to explain my sadness and how I feel in my soul. You just hear words. Maybe I could explain better through colors or pictures. Words don’t seem to be enough. A bubbly personality and a sad mind.
Looking for myself
I was growing up quickly and as I did it was like I was going out looking for myself. I didn’t know who I was or who I belonged to. I kept searching. Almost as if there was a lantern in my hand and I was ready to make a discovery. Desperately searching for who I was supposed to be. Sometimes I thought I’d found it so I’d put the lantern down and try out the new Kelli I had found. Soon that version would fail me. So I’d have to pick the lantern back up and continue my search. This journey continued for years. One day, I decided to give up, head back home, turn around and start over. I needed a new plan, this one had failed me again and again. I still didn’t know who or whose I was. When I turned around, lantern in hand, there was Jesus, behind me. In this moment my life was changed. I realized he was with me the whole time. He spoke to me. He said “You already are who I created you to be. Stop looking for anything else but me”. So I put my lantern down and took His hand instead. I will thank God for the rest of my life for the peace, hope, security, grace, and love I receive through his promise. A relationship with Jesus is truly the only thing I need.
Time of year
It’s the time of year that the air zaps the warmth from my body and the wind cuts through my clothes. It’s the time of year where I have to brush my teeth before I take my contacts out. It’s the time of year where a shower feels like a debilitating task. It’s the time of year where my bed seems to be the only place I can be. It’s the time of year where I doubt myself, assume the worst, and can’t stay awake. It’s the time of year where everything feels devastating and sad. It’s the time of year where I start wondering what I’ve accomplished since the 1st. It’s the time of year where life seems too heavy to handle and I’m looking for a pause button. You know what’s nice though!? The sun still warms up my car even though the air bites.
Us four
The four of us were together alone for the first time in such a long time that I can’t even remember it. It feels so right for us to be together. We are connected on such a deep level. It’s weird that we aren’t supposed to live together now and forever. It’s normal to be separated and grow closer to other people. To me it’ll always be the four of us. Connected with an invisible string. My heart feels the pull when we’re away. The second we’re all together in one space, the ache is nurtured. After the God of the universe, I love those three more than anyone else.
Kelli Mauch 